how many times? (a post for those feeling a little bit hopeless)

The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; And saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.

-Psalm 34:1

How many times, Father?

How many times have you lifted a heavy burden from my back?

How many times have seen me in my darkest place and still said to me, “I love you”?

How many times have you taken my ashes and turned them into beauty?

How many times have you taken every heartache I’ve ever felt and turned it into something beautiful?

Not once.

Not twice.

Not part of the time or half of the time.

Not even most of the time.

Every. Single. Time.

Every heartbreak, tragedy, fear, pain and hurt. Every broken, hopeless piece of me that has ever brought me to my knees – you turned it into something beautiful.

See, Lord, correct me if I’m wrong – but I believe that behind every pain I’ve ever felt was a purpose. I haven’t always known what they were, and maybe I brought some of those heartaches on myself and walked into a situation where I set myself up to get hurt. But even then, I believe there’s a reason you let me walk in there – whether it was to teach me a (sometimes hard) lesson or to bring me closer to your heart.

When mom died.

When dad left.

When I was growing up wondering where all my friends had gone.

When I was pulling over on the side of the road because I could no longer hold in my tears from the depression that had been ringing in my head.

When I felt my heart had been ripped out because the first boy I ever loved didn’t love me back.

When my heart grieved over the current state of the world, wondering what would happen in the next couple of years and where we’d be.

During all of these things, you never once just left me there. You never once walked away and said, “figure it out yourself.” You never left my side through anything, even when I deserved much worse than that.

And when these things left me helpless, broken, and fighting for my every breath – when they brought me to my knees and I could no longer move forward on my own – that’s when you picked me up and you carried me.

You never left my side, Lord. Not once. You’ve lifted me high above the raging waves and carried me through the storm every time. You’ve brought me out stronger than ever before and revealed to me a deeper level of your peace and beauty each time.

And that’s what I believe you will do this time too. I believe you will carry me to safety and turn my ashes into something beautiful because you are just that good. You are just that amazing. Not because I deserve it (I don’t), or because “I’m strong”, or because “I’ve got this” (which you and I both know that I definitely don’t got this). But simply because you are the God of the universe and you have me (along with the rest of this world) in the palm of your mighty hand.

I believe whatever this life may throw at me, I’ll be okay. Whatever this world tries to knock me down with, I’ll come back up every time because I’ve got you on my side. Thank you for being my most treasured friend, Father. I love you 💜

And may the person reading this post be able to say these very same words. 💜

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The prayer above is a recent conversation I was having with the Lord, when it truly started to hit me that wherever I am in life, everything will always be okay because God is right by my side. Even if “okay” may not necessarily look how I want it to, I still know that God’s got me. I pray I remember this every day.

More importantly, I pray that you can relate to this as well. Maybe our circumstances don’t line up with each other, but I hope you know that whatever you’re going through, God is right there beside you through everything. You are not alone, and he will not leave you where you are or tell you to simply “figure it out” on your own. He sees you, he hears you, and he knows you fully. Where ever you are in your life today, I pray that the hope, joy, and peace of the Lord follow – no matter your circumstances.

Never forget how much Jesus loves you. Even if the world does not see your worth, Jesus says you’re to die for. ❤